TMM's Top Tips

Team Macro Man have been compiling their Market Top Tips in the style of UK's "Viz" magazine.

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Pit Traders - Why not show off the weight of your brain by displaying it on a neck fit for an elephant.

Pretend you have a highly paid job in finance by willingly paying the astronomical prices city bars demand.

Wealth Advisors. Why not cold call everyone on Bloomberg on the assumption that they all  have vast fortunes they don't know what to do with.

Head Hunters - Why not make the recipient of your call feel really special by immediately calling back on the same number and asking to speak to the person next to them.

Management - Surprise everyone by managing UP expectations at year end.

Analysts - Display your mastery of English by writing 16 pages of analysis when the single words "buy" or "sell" would do.

Shouting "F***ING SYSTEMS!" and smashing your keyboard into your desk makes an ideal alternative to apologising for your own input error.

HF CIOs: Telling PMs which trades would've made money after the fact is a great way to show your superiority

Sales - Why not show off your mastery of both sides of a price by shouting out the wrong one when the client deals.

Forwards dealer? Dealt on the wrong side? Just insist you were dealing futures conventions.

Emerging market traders - Learning the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.

Emerging market traders - Once you have learnt the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in, pronouncing them in ridiculous accents is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.

Analysts - Using the word "exhibit" instead of "chart" or "table" in research is an ideal way of showing you are a failed lawyer.

TV Business Anchors - Starting a piece with "You know what? I know nothing about this" makes an ideal alternative to an over-confident pretence.

Fund managers - Suffering from huge negative returns? Benchmark to something that has done worse.

Want to offload your huge share of bank stock to a gullible buyer? Privatise the Royal Mail at a discount first.

A cumulative graph is an ideal way of ensuring a graph that goes up on the right.

99/01 makes an ideal price in anything that is fixed at par.

Pretend you are an options trader by randomly shouting "And I want it {insert 3 random greek letters} hedged".

Pretend you own your own e-trading platform by mentioning latency in every sentence.

Asked why a market is fast moving? "Stop losses" makes an ideal alternative reply to "I haven't a clue"

Back Office. Have an urgent settlement query? Make it un-urgent by addressing it to the trader involved by second class post.

Traders - Don't know what spread to make? Just make choice and shout at the sales guy for not spreading a gift.

Huge loss? Save face by justifying it "for tax reasons".

Been out with your friends drinking 'til 4am and are sick at your desk? Blame it on a client.

Relationship management - Pretend you are an Agatha Christie murderer by weaving a web of deceit about what you have or haven't done.

HR - Dress for the part! Wear a dark cloak and carry a scythe when creeping up behind someone to "tap them on the shoulder"

Traders -unsure of your position? - Buying 100x your limit is an ideal way to know you are now long.

Options dealers - If you wait long enough before making a price the client will most probably go away.

Metals traders - Why not show off your market acumen by remarking on huge demand for metals every time the dollar craps out.

Kicking the power off button on the PC under your desk makes an ideal way of avoiding complex pricing.

Fibonacci levels make an ideal alternative to knowledge.

Head Hunters - show off the depth of your rolodex by asking candidates to connect on linked in

Pretend you are senior management by confidently asking questions that betray your lack of knowledge of the basics.

Relationship management - Why not introduce your company's biggest competitor as a client as they obviously trade large amounts of your product.

Back office - Pretend you are a trader of 25 years ago by slicking back your hair and wearing Gordon Gekko braces.

Sales - Shouting "Nothing, Too Wide!" at the trader is an ideal way to cover up you forgot to get the price out.

Impress your dealing room colleagues by having a friend mail you large empty boxes embossed in top designer logos.

A slide presentation of illegibly dense spread sheets makes an ideal way of saying you have no social skills.

Clients. Calling all your banks asking for a complex derivative in 100x market size and telling each "nothing too wide" makes an ideal way of passing a dull day.

Traders - Asking "How much? For who(m)?" six times makes an ideal way of buying time to trade ahead of the client.

Sales - not answering the phone is an ideal way not to make a mistake.

Analysts - Making a forecast which involves price AND time is an ideal way to be wrong.

Technical Analysts- struggling with non performing trend lines? - try a log graph.

Elliot Wave analysts - the wave count doesn't fit? Easy .. just change it.

Hungover? A disabled toilet makes an ideal midday bedroom.

Junior on the lunch run? - When offered to "get something for yourself" buy a new suit.

A recently resigned/fired colleague makes an ideal scapegoat.

The matrix title background displayed full screen makes an ideal IT wind up.

Telling your boss that you were never told you had to book any of the trades you have done for the last 2 years is an ideal way to induce his cardiac arrest.

Having a glass corner office is an ideal way of not having to produce anything.

Traders - randomly standing up and screaming "YES , OH JESUS ,YES!!" is an ideal way of making people think you are a good trader.

Management - Introducing new protocols and systems every year is an ideal way to f*ck everyone off.

Regulator - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility

Compliance - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.

Management - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.

Compliance - Introducing online regulatory training is an ideal way of ensuring everyone has a reason to be fired.

Brokers - Telling witty football stories is an ideal way of best pleasing a client desperate to get out of a position.

A Sinclair ZX80 or Commodore 64 makes an ideal replacement for many banks' trading platforms.

HR - Randomly blocking 2% of the security entry cards each day is an ideal way to keep staff on their toes.

Fund Consultants - Charging fees for pointing out the past without any responsibility for the future makes an ideal way to earn a living.

Strategy - A set of dice make an ideal analysis tool.

Spot traders - Shouting loudest is an ideal way to win an argument.

Fix fixers - Using Bloomberg IB chat to communicate all your misdeeds is an ideal way to be caught.

Business analysts - Why not insist all lower desk heads provide irrelevant data and analysis which you know they don't have.

HR - Silently walk around the dealing room putting a sticker on each fourth desk.

Management - "Focusing on core strengths" makes an ideal mantra for buying yourself another year.

Management- Introducing tolls at the security stiles in reception. makes an ideal revenue earner.

Back office - Employ speakers of obscure tongues to add that extra level of excitement to urgent phone queries.

Cleaners - Stretching bin liners trampoline tight over the bins and setting up a dry cleaners is an ideal way to supplement your income.

Money Market dealers - hanging a wooden sign over your desk displaying "5/8, 1/2" is an ideal alternative to making prices all year.

Option dealers - offering a client 1mth EUR/USD makes an ideal alternative if he asks for 3mth SGD/JPY RKOs.

Suing someone for money you have lost makes an ideal alternative to facing up to your own stupidity.

Why not make your next year's targets seem less surreal by dropping acid.



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