As markets are so quiet, TMM have been leafing through their copy of the latest Radio Times to see what's on TV this Christmas. Hmmm... let's see...
Sunday, 25th December
07:00 - Prayer for today. With George Osborne.
07:10 - The One Show. Start your Christmas morning on the couch as Matt and Alex discuss what will next trade through parity. Live from Brussels, a class of 12 yr olds who are short EUR/USD for their school, are setting up a street party for the big day. Rolf Harris will be in the studio with a collection of his paintings depicting each time the Aussie Dollar has been through parity. There are the sad stories too, as we join the Beeteepee family who have little chance of ever trading at par again.
09:30 - The Poseidon Adventure. The Reverend Draghi leads nine survivors; an elderly couple, Nic and Angela who are trying to head to the Promised Land. An Italian ex-president detective and his ex-pro wife trying to have a second honeymoon in Italy; A young couple of auditors on their way to meet Papa in Greece; A builder from Spain, a pop singer from Finland, and a waiter from the ECB. They travel from the grand ballroom struggling through, steam, fire and rising water in the up-side-down ship to reach the bottom which they are convinced is actually the top. Unfortunately, as usual, they are mistaken and it ends in disaster.
10:30 - Low rents of Arabia. Kirsty Alsop follows a couple she encouraged to borrow to invest in 10 buy-to-let properties in 2007. Now looking to run away from their huge debts, Kirsty advises the distressed couple on where they can find affordable housing. Kirsty's expertise leads them to low rent properties in Syria, Baghdad and Kabul.
11:00 - Wonderful Life. An Angel helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated banker by showing him what life would have been like if he never existed. Fred Goodwin finds the vision so compelling he vows never to exist. A moving tale with a very happy ending.
12:30 - Deal or No Deal. US politicians present a multitude of boxes, each containing a different debt level. Can the Democrat pick out the largest one and outwit the Republican negotiating on the end of the phone?
13:00 - Who wants to be a Millionaire. J Corzine, a salesman from New York, fails to answer the simplest of questions but still walks off with the millions.
14:00 - Countdown. S+P and Moodys battle it out in the final as they have 30 seconds to make up numbers and rearrange letters into ratings in the most disorderly fashion possible.
15:00 - Only Fools and Horses. Del and Rodney come up with a scheme to make a quick buck in the lofty financial markets that they can see from their tenement blocks in Peckham. Del swiftly realises that all he has to do is cut and paste bad news onto chat services and he not only will be paid large sums as a financial salesperson but can also earn money on the side from what Rodney calls "sure'd" positions as they always make money. Of course it all comes unstuck when Bensy reveals a load of strong data he had been keeping in a lock-up with hilarious results.
15:30 - The Merkel and Wisemen Christmas Special. Merkel and Wisemen lead us through a show of festive comedy japes. This year's promises to be the funniest yet with guest appearances from Mario Monti and his Jazz Men (playing Suwannee River), the Mommas and Papas from Greece, and Sarko their performing monkey.
16:00 - Family Fortunes. The Gaddafi family are up aganst the West family as they try to pick the most popular answers selected by their peoples in order to protect their fortunes, Three XXX in a row and it's curtains.
16:30 - The Nativity. Dramatisation of the Biblical story. King Howard of Funds orders all Europeans to register to pay their Sovereign CDS dues. Upon reaching Brussethlehem, Merky & Sarkoseph ask for help, but are turned away by each of the G20 nations. As all hope seems lost they manage to find shelter in yet another broken down summit where the baby Eltiaro is born. European banks come to pay their respects, leaving gifts of billions of worthlesss periphery debt, whilst leaving with piles of freshly printed cash to take home to their balance sheets. 12 Days later, the Three German Wisemen arrive, bringing Bundesbank Gold, Frankfurters & Myrrhobonds.
17:00 - Songs of Praise. Join us in the Cathedral of Gold where the choirs of the church to the end of fiat money, the church of inflation and the church of Apocalypse join together in praise of our God Au.
17:30 - X-factor finals. The auditions started last year in Tunisia. The judges have auditioned hundreds of acts in Cairo, Bahrain, Tripoli and throughout the major cities of the Arab world. But now we are back in Cairo for the finals. Live from Tahrir Sq the public will be voting for the last time. Have the bookies' favourites "Total Democracy" got what it takes to pip "Military Rule" and "Benign Dictatorship" to the title this year and release their own version of "I did it my way" to make it to Xmas No 1.
18:30 - Inflating with the Stars Christmas Special. Mervyn King, Mario Draghi, Ben Bernanke & Zhou Xiaochuan battle it out for the Glitter Ball Trophy. This week they will be dancing the competitive devaluation. Head Judge Moody Essenpi breaks precedent by awarding Mervyn King the highest ever score of 40000000000000.
19:30 - A Euromas Carol. Emerkozy Scroodraghi, a mean-spirited miserly old Eurocrat sitting in the Bundesbank is visited on Christmas Eve by Kohldelors, the ghost of Euro past, Jens Weidmann, the ghost of Euro present, and ISDA, the ghost of Euro future. The spirits try to make him mend his sadomasochistic ways and help poor Tiny Timonti by printing money. Starring Morgan Freeman as Kohldelors, Alan Alder as Jens Weidmann, Ronald Reagan as ISDA and Alan Rickman as Scroodraghi.
20:30 - Mr Bean goes on Holiday. So there is no rate decision from the MPC today. Instead, we will be broadcasting "The King and I" a musical about a population who accept the job of living with Mervynflation.
21:00 - Agatha Christie's Poirot. When Bundesbank President Jens Weidmann is found murdered in a Frankfurt backstreet, the sleuth is led through a web of intrigue that stretches from Rome to Paris. Poirot's toughest assignment yet when he identifies 350million suspects but no witnesses.
22:00 - The BBC Ten O'Clock News. Robert Peston explains why bankers were responsible for the death of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago whilst John Humphrys justifies his salary.
23:00 - Close Down. All the banks are closed down.
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